Too Many Mirrors...

Indulging in a lot of introspection these days, time to change gears; one last missive from my brooding then it's on to other things, promise...

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Sittin’ here wonderin’…why not? Not a logical positivist by training but when Ms Rand says "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me” (thanks PT)…I have some of that in me and I know what's right, lookin’ for resonance across the air gaps. (Ding!...now that was cryptic)

So I feel lighter (benign restraints, but…), still got strong giri to folks (defines me a bit)…but there’s a lot less for me to factor in my decision–making when I have full range of motion. It’s ironic that the guy with too few boundaries (I get that a lot) has reached a 19-year perigee on limits right here and now. It’s not that I have some sort of fearless/reckless/thoughtless/heedless/selfish/foolish thing a’goin’ on, I just feel like I have been doing well on many fronts working with a paucity (perceived) of options…mo liberty is mo betta…what am I capable of when my future is (feels) closer to tabula rasa than I’ve seen since I went on that commitment tear?

I know the parable of elephant training. Chain ‘em to a stake with no escape possibilities early, over time, they get institutionalized to it; as adults you only need a silk cord to convince them to stay put. Plenty of literary/anecdotal signaling that it happens to everybody if you don’t keep a weather eye out for it, and even being aware can often be of little significance to the process…goes back to the indoctrination issues I have with raising the munchkin. There I have a don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’ philosophy, but I’m pretty far past ‘go’ so I don’t think I can count on good-intentions to unwind me. If it’s truly all about the questions we ask, not the answers, then…

Why not? Why not ask for the things that are best for us and everyone we care about? Why not invite and welcome them if it’s all the same? I don’t feel shy/guilty/skittish about fulfilling wants/needs/desires for loved ones if the damage path is light; days/weeks/months/years wasted navel-gazing for the perfect outcomes?…well mythic paradigms are great, but they have to be grounded in best-case reality (which includes a nod to basic human weakness and a serious staring contest with the Great Wolf time). Links to my feeling on scarcity: I’m pretty sure there is more than enough pleasure and contentment to go around. Basically trying to get here:

I'm a little heavy on what I have (there's no stock image for that...am I that far from the herd?), obsessed with a desire or two...need to share...

Holidays and Heart Mechanics

Well, the festive season is upon us. I like it, always have. If you’re a humbug…not my kind, happy holidays.

Not a devotee of classic rock, but like it fine, grew up all up in it after all. Some damn fine lyrics in there (though almost always drowned out by egregious overuse of the hot guitar lick); heard this yesterday on traditional FM going over the river and through the woods when the XM signal couldn’t penetrate the Erisian air flows up top:

And did they get you to trade 

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees? 

Hot air for a cold breeze?

Cold comfort for change? 

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war 

For a lead role in a cage?

Shit…yes ‘they’ did. That is, I let the seduction(s) take place; I prefer war to the cage, though I had forgotten. Note:  For context,  know that I firmly believe that everything we do is a choice, at all levels of our limited little slice from the environmental to the gap between the synapses…at every level at every moment we choose; as above so below, the Emerald Tablet said so, good enough for me. Anyway, today I looked way back to the most significant pivot point in my life and see that I had a trajectory that was taking me where I wanted to go, seriously working in my role as a bliss-seeking missile...and then got happily blindsided by a pair-bonding urge/instinct/rightness matched to a frothy passion. Ehwaz on full for both of us. Shit…fighting it was not/is not even a consideration, a very good life with loads of happiness and strength available (not always used), and potential for more, is built around it...I'm trying to learn.

Regret is a funny thing for me. I don’t really feel it or feel like it, but I am (reliably?) informed that it colors my decisions below the surface like oil in the Gulf; reliable cause there's some anecdotal evidence that it’s true. My thoughts turn this way: The ecosystem that I was just able to step into and enjoy way back when, that took me years to put together…I just moved away from it, am still moving tangentially to it…and the well-head is cracked. The mirage of clean glassy water, the continuous neotenistic urge to dive deeper, keep exploring, it gets stronger not less...when I stop to drink it’s so cloudy (like this metaphor) with cause and effect...toxic maybe?…and I’m thirsty.

So what now? Lots of choices…course correct slowly on this vector and hope/faith my way forward? Course correct hard and bring the splurt? Both of those have the wrong tone (you're talkin' to my guy all wrong, do it again and...), so maybe something more drastic…more me.

Quantum leap back as far as I can?…I’m watching this one being attempted right in front of me...not my style. Quantum leap out, catch a new gravitational center and orbit away?...collateral damage to some folks I love on that ride (though, I’ll admit it has a glamour upon me...I can shake that djinn, it's a mirage and I know it). Quantum leap up/forward…hmmm, a bit glib and ill-defined, but maybe the best …when I figure out what it means I’ll share.

No Hamlet Here

Trouble...right here in Lake City. I have an interesting job; travel, people, opportunities for the new, cushy expense policy, direct affect on a large portion of my income...sweet. I cover two sides of a mountain range, so I fly regularly, 90 minutes max, breezy...'cept I've been spending more time on the right side than the left, and I live left. Pressure is building for a change; disruptive, especially considering I'm 3 of 3; I'd have to go into serious relationship debt to get sign-off, and the financials will suck it.

Now I'm used to leveraging what I've got to get what I want, and the Sun rises in the East, so maybe a compromise. The company will subsidize temp digs near the revenue stream, and I could just bivouac on the shore a couple of days a week. My hobbies are portable/augmentable over there, so I don't lose anything except in those rare weeks where I don't travel, and the comforts that won't translate. It's not a dilemma, since all options are actually acceptable...note: makes it harder when you win in every direction. S'not been subjected to an even-swaps yet (my methodology for breaking down the tough ones)...more later.

Big deals a'movin, working with IB_ at (redacted) on a nice year-making opportunity, might put me on the boat in the Med next Summer. Work work work work...I'm actually having fun again, I was really more squelched than I thought...chasin' dollars and doin' right ain't got no end. (Name that reference, and win a prize...JTR, you are not eligible). Have stalled out on writing, waiting for a meeting in H-wood in early December to see if I can sell this screenplay. Looks good, but I've been warned that it's always sunny in LA, don't mean nothin'.

Parabolas and Snake Mackerel

Where did we leave off...oh yeah.

So since my last post I went to Charleston, SC, Vegas for another professional event, and Raleigh NC (a regular haunt now). Hands-down favorite was the low country of SC. I stayed in a fortressesque hotel that used to be the Citadel, back door opens onto King Street, no kidding. Seafood is mandated by this kind of  proximity to mother blue, and I got some good tips from the bellman. Went strolling/trawling and wandered down an alley or two, ended up in a place called the Coast. Jackpot. I settled in with my barman (props to John) and asked my questions: What's local? What's fresh?...Blackened Escolar on a bed of little local peas (avec butter, bacon, and chives), damn, but not enough; a seared baseball-sized tuna hunk from the local catch served in a pool of dark, rich wine reduction; different/better than any tuna I've ever tasted (including the yellow-fin in Hawaii)...almost there; bacon-wrapped scallops batting cleanup...all washed down with Palmetto Amber. Um...if you noticed, that was 3 entrées...John was also surprised and I guess I drew some attention...the last dish was hand-delivered by the executive chef.

Foodblogging unintentionally now, but I also had one (and only one) decent meal in Vegas, served family-style (word).  The lineup looked like this:

MGM Grand, Seablue restuarant...it will do.

Nothing of note in Raleigh, hangin' at the Umstead (like this joint, everything quality) as usual. Being in Raleigh so much gets me to thinkin' though... ;-)

Next entry, no food or travel talk, promise.