Look Into My Eye...

 Got my eye on something, and it’s not a woman (discovered something special on that edge, out of reach for now) ... tangent: I just realized that I spend a lot of  time concerned with women. It’s a selfish concentration; I've got a monogamous streak though, and I will focus with some deliberation given half a chance. So the down-side?...I get it. 

So eyes on things that are explicitly for me? Selfish to the nth for a while? Sure. Once upon a time I was very self-contained, just one ball on the table bouncing into others...not sticking; rolling together, caroming, careening, sometimes a loud crack, sometimes a light touch with a little English...now? I’m trying too hard, and it shows. My best self, my highest self, is obligated to family and friends, particularly the Pea...but that’s it; obligated to be my best self, not to try and evoke their best selves, or care one way or another if they are trying. It makes precious little sense for me to attach myself to a wishful future that I author without consent. It’s almost always true that folk that I like are ones that prefer to write themselves.

So eyes on a prize for me, a developmental step that I have looked at since I was small, and stood away from cause it’s hard work and discipline, it’s limiting focus, showing up every single day, sweating the details, caring about outcomes, exposing my lacks. Need to stay in-bounds though...I just spent way too much money on an experiment (round 2 actually, totals are near $15k) reaching forward to another such developmental goal, one I am far from ready for. Let’s just say that academic rigor and I are estranged for the foreseeable future. It's rigor that I want to demonstrate though, so something rigorous is required. I know what it is.

Tactics: first, build the damn foundation. I always try to skip that if I can, jump forward, excel/accel quickly. This thing I want won’t allow that though, and I think I actually get that for the first time ever. Second, attach and progress with words in parallel. I tend to talk my way in and out of things, I'm facile, but this is not a word thing, it’s a doing thing, so give my words their outlet but don’t cheat the system. Lastly, don’t create/define/imagine/excuse due to obstacles. Seriously, in strong, in long, don’t quit. Start every day, start every day, start every day.

Good mantra, let’s see if I am who I think I am.